The donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

Ur the 1st thing

Ur the 1st thing that comes 2 my mind.
I wish I could start my day with U in my bed.
I just luv Ur feel to my lips. U just make my day.
I love U
.
.
.
NESCAFE!
...................................................

What is a girl friend ?

Addition of problems, subtraction of money, Multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
...................................................

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
...................................................

A man & wife are in bed.He farts & shouts ''Goal.''

His wife farts & shouts ''One all.''

When the score gets to two all,the man strains so hard he craps the bed.

His wife says ''What the hell was that?''

''Half time - swap sides.''
...................................................

10 Basic Tips For the Internet Explorer (IE)

In order to use the Internet Explorer (IE) effectively, we have some basic tips for you to try… Ok let's go now.

1. To extend the window area of the IE, you can make it easy by pressing the F11 key. Then you press it again in order to return the IE to the normal window.
2. Sometimes you want to search a keyword in a long web page that you are surfing. How do you do ?? Just press Ctrl+F and place the keyword you want.
3. Using Backspace key in your keyboard instead of clicking Back in the IE window.
4. You can close your IE window that you are surfing by Ctrl+W.
5. To see the surfing websites history, Press F4 key to see the URL which you have typed.
6. Press Ctrl+D in order to save the URL which you are surfing. And the URL will be in the Favorites.
7. To send a web page to your friend. Do you know we can send it by email from the IE's tools ? Let you try it, go to File > Send > Page by E-mail...
8. To slide the web page by using the keyboard, try it with the arrow keys. To slide it to the bottom and the top of the web page, try the End and Home key.
9. If you find a picture that you prefer it to be the desktop wallpaper, you can immediately set it, right click on the picture area and select the Set as wallpaper.
10. To slide the web page gradually, you may use the Page up, Page down and Spacebar keys. Try it !

How To Clean A Flat Screen Monitor

Flat screen monitors, also known as LCD monitors, are a little different than their CRT cousins when it comes to cleaning. Your standard CRT monitor has a glass screen and be cleaned in pretty much the same way as you would any other glass in your home or office.

Flat screen monitors, however, require a bit of special care when cleaning. Their displays are much more sensitive and are easily scratched and damaged.

Follow the easy steps below to safely clean your flat screen monitor in just a few minutes.

Here's How:
1. Turn off the monitor. If the screen is dark, it will be easier to see the areas that are dirty or oily.

2. Use a dry, soft cloth and very gently wipe the screen. A great choice would be the microfiber type of cloth used to clean eyeglasses. See Tip #1 below for kinds of cloths to avoid.

3. If the dry cloth did not completely remove the dirt or oil, do not press harder in an attempt to scrub it off. Pushing directly on the LCD screen can often cause pixels to burn out.

4. If necessary, dampen the cloth with distilled water or with an equal ratio of distilled water to white vinegar. See Tip #2 below for products to avoid.

Many companies also sell small spray bottles of special cleaner for flat screen monitors but the vinegar mixture is usually just as effective.

5. The plastic edge that surrounds the screen can be cleaned with any multipurpose cleaner but take care to avoid contact with the screen itself.

Tips:
1. Avoid using paper towels, toilet paper, tissue paper, or something like your shirt to wipe the LCD screen. These non-ultrasoft materials can easily scratch the screen.

2. Avoid cleaning products that contain ammonia, ethyl alcohol, acetone, toluene, ethyl acid, or methyl chloride. These chemicals can react with the materials that the LCD screen is made of which could yellow the screen or cause other kinds of damage.

3. Never spray liquid directly on the LCD screen or it could run inside the monitor and cause damage.

Speed up Firefox without Re-Installation

Problem: You cannot imagine life without Firefox but over time, your favorite browser keeps getting slower and slower.

Not only is it slow, Firefox sometimes hangs for no reason, consumes a large amount of memory and CPU usage can climb to 90% or more when you have multiple tabs open simultaneously.

You have uninstalled most of the extensions and toolbars, deleted all the cookies and Internet temporary files, cleared up the file download queue and disabled the background check for software updates - but none of this has helped you speed-up Firefox.

Solution: This is a common problem especially if you have been running Firefox for some time - I don't know why Firefox slows down but here's a small trick to rejuvenate the aged copy of Firefox without doing a fresh install.

Step 1: Start Firefox and export your bookmarks as a file on your hard-drive (we'll need them later).

Step 2: Type Firefox.exe - P in the Run box of Windows. (see screenshot)

Step 3: Click the Create Profile button without making any modifications to your existing profile (which is normally called "default")

Now when you Start Firefox in the new profile, you are very likely to be impressed with the speed. You can import the bookmarks that you saved in Step 1. If you have made any changes to the Firefox Dictionary, copy the persdict.dat word list file from the old profile folder to the new one.

Yes, there won't be any old Firefox add-ons in the new profile but the browser will be extremely quick and won't hog the CPU - just the way you want Firefox to run on your computer.

And if you ever need to revert to the old profile, just type Firefox -P again and click the old profile. Nothing is lost.

Bless me God

Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addictmy daughter is a call girlmy wife is a gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I'm HIV positive.
............................................

Son kills a butterfly.
Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills a honeybee.
Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills a cockroach.
Son: Dad u tell her or should I?
............................................

Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.
............................................

Lady 2 Maid: Tu saare kaam mein bekaar hai!
Bai: Bister mein to aap se aachi hoon!
Lady: Tujhe saab ne bola kya?
Bai: Nahin driver bol raha tha!
............................................

Funny full forms of Big Companies

1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS :Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings

12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL : Brainwash First and Let them go

17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.

18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India

19. ORACLE : On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.

20. MASTEK: Mad And Stupid Technitians Enroute to Kabaarkhana

21.PATNI : Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments

Funniest Joke

Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.

Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.

Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"

Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

ISHQ or DOSTI

ISHQ or DOSTI meri zindgi ka guman h..
ISHQ meri ruh DOSTI mera iman h..

ISHQ pe kar du fida apni sari ZINDGI..
..Magar DOSTI par mera ISHQ B QURBAAN hai.
.........................................

My maths teacher told me 1'hour=60 mins.
& 1'min=60'secs.

But she never told me that 1'sec.
Without a FRIEND like U is equal to 100'years.
.........................................

How long shall v b friends?
Do u want a clue?

As long as stars twinkle in the sky, till the water runs dry & till the day I die.
We will b friends.
.........................................

A single candle can illuminate an entire room.

A true friend lights up an entire lifetime.

Thanks for the bright lights of ur friendship.
.........................................

Troubleshooting Windows Defender in Vista.

Cannot Update Windows Defender !?

If you ever encounter an error code (e.g. "error code 0x80240029 - cannot update" which btw is the most common one), when updating Defender, here is a solution which will help you. This usually happens if the distribution database is broken and needs to be re-created.

Here are the solutions to address the issue :
1) As far as Vista goes (don't know if this applies to XP) you can do this by clicking start > all programs > windows updates> change settings > uncheck Automatic Updates, Uncheck Recommended Updates and uncheck use Microsoft Update Service. This will switch from Microsoft Update back to using Windows Update.
Reboot. If it works for you fine; you can now reset the update settings to as they were earlier.

2) I also came across this download from Microsoft (Vista/XP). This actually FORCES defender to update !

3) To manually update Windows Defender visit Microsofts Malware Protection Center for instructions.

4) Lastly if none work, there is another way you can try this:

Boot into safe mode. Find the folder named Software Distribution.

Rename SoftwareDistribution to SoftwareDistribution.old OR Delete all its contents (FLUSH it !) Reboot. Now try to update the Defender (at this point a new SoftwareDistribution folder will be created if you have renamed it).

Additional help can always be found at Microsofts Windows Defender HelpGroup .

Via: winvistaclub

Dear Dad , .....

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.


At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:


PS:

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.


I love you!

Your loving daughter,
Rosie

Different types of Man

Men are of different types

Some Examples -

INTERNET man - Man of difficult access

SERVER man - Always busy when you need him

WINDOWS man - Everyone knows that he can't do a thing right, but no one can live without him

EXCEL man - They say he can do a lot of things, but you mostly use him to achieve your basic requirements

D.O.S. Man - Everyone had him, but no one wants him any more

VIRUS man - Also known as spouse, when you are not expecting him, he comes , install himself and uses all your resources, if you try to uninstall him you will lose something, if you don't uninstall him you will lose everything.

SCREENSAVER man - he is not worth for anything, but at least he is fun

RAM man - he forgets everything you say when you disconnect him

HARD DISK man - he remembers everything forever

MULTIMEDIA man - he makes horrible things look beautiful

USER man - he messes up everything he does and he ask always more than he needs

CD-ROM man - he is always faster and faster

Koi hai

Aankhon ki zubhan wo samajh nahi pate,
Hoth magar kuch keh nahi pate,

Apni bebasi kis tarah kahe,
Koi hai jiske bina hum reh nahi pate
.............................................

Main deewaani hun tere naam ki is baat se inkar nahi,
Kaise kahe ki hame aapse pyar nahi,

Kuch to kasoor hai aapki nazro ka,
Hum akele to gunhegar nahi.
.............................................

Palbhar mein tut jaye who kassam nahi,
Dosti mein bhool jaye woh hum nahi,

Tum bewafa bano is baat mein dum nahi,
Kyuki hamari wafa bhi kuch kum nahi
.............................................

Uthi to duaa ban gayi, jhuki to hayaa ban gayi,
Jo jhuk kar uthi to khata ban gayi, or uth kar jhuki to adaa ban gayi
.............................................

Disable "Low Disk Space" Notification in Wondows XP

Open regedit & follow the steps below:

1. Navigate to HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\
Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\Explorer

2. On the Edit menu, click New, click DWORD value .

3. Name the new DWORD Value as NoLowDiskSpaceChecks

4. Right click the new DWORD Value and Modify the data value to 1.

5. Exit the registry editor and restart your computer.

How to access FTP servers without any software

FTP is used for transfer of large files. Bloggers and webmasters use FTP frequently for uploading files to their server space all the time.

FTP transfers usually involve some software installed on the computer. The method usually involves connecting to a particular host server URl, and entering the username and password for access. FTP transfers may be primitive (they do not have much security), but they are still widely used.

Imagine yourselves in this situation : you are at a friend's house or a browsing cafe, and need to access your server immediately (perhaps for uploading WP-Cache during a spike, for example). Do you wait until the download of FTP software is complete? That is a complete waste of time.

There is an easier way to access FTP servers - without any third-party software. All that you require is the humble Windows Explorer or Internet Explorer (either of them can be used). To access any FTP server, enter the following (replace server with the domain/subdomain):

FTP://FTP.server.com

Once you enter this, a dialog box will come up, and you can fill out the user name and password and click Log On.

If you're still not convinved of using this method, try out FileZilla , a free, open-source software.

Bhagwad geeta

An old Farmer lived on a farm in the mountains with his young grandson.

Each morning Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading his Bhagavat Geeta. His grandson wanted to be just like him and tried to imitate him in every way he could.

One day the grandson asked, "Grandpa! I try to read the Bhagavat Geeta just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Bhagavat Geeta do?"


The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and replied, "Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water."

The boy did as he was told, but all the water leaked out before he got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, "You'll have to move a little faster next time," and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again.

This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, "I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You're just not trying hard enough," and he went out the door to watch the boy try again.

At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he got back to the house.

The boy again dipped the basket into river and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said, "See Grandpa, it's useless!"

"So you think it is useless?" The old man said, "Look at the basket."

The boy looked at the basket and for the first time realized that the basket was different. It had been transformed from a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out.

"Son, that's what happens when you read the Bhagavat Geeta. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside and out. That is the work of Krishna in our lives."

dilwalo ki duniya

Sabhi ko sabhi kuch nahi milta..
nadi ki har lehar ko sahil nahi milta,

yeh dilwalo ki duniya hai ajeeb,
kisi se dil nahi milta to koi dilse nahi milta...
..................................................

Aapko bhool jaun, umar gujarne ki baat hai,
aapko nahi yakin ye aur baat hai ,

jabtak rahegi saans tab tak rahoge yaad,
ye saans tut jaye to aur baat hai.
..................................................

Jaane kya Mujhse zamana chahta hai ,
mere dil tod kar mujhe hasana chahta hai ,

jaane kya baat jhalakti he mere chehre se,
har saks mujhe aazmana chahta hai.
..................................................

Zindagi bhaut kuch sikhati hai ,
kabhi hasati he..kabhi rulati hai ,

kudh se jayada kisipe bharosa maat karna ,
andhere me to parchai bhi saath chor jati hai..
..................................................

TOP 10 WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS

1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says, "Have a nice day," say you have other plans.

5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

7. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.

8. Dance naked in front of your pets.

9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing were wrong.

10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.

God is watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of an elementary school for lunch.
At a table was a large pile of apples.

A teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"
...............................................

Sam and David were sharing their childhood memories.
Sam says: Once when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and I fell down on the earth unconsciously.

David: Oh my God! Did you survive that accident or you died.
Sam: I don't remember exactly because I was only 4 yeas old at that time.
...............................................

Wife: Oh dear when you remove your specks you look like the same cute boy whom I married 20 years back.

Husband: Yes dear, when I remove my specks and look at you, you also look like the same charming girl whom I married 20 years back.
...............................................

The Lagoon

May be you have heared about the Great Barrier Reef, stretching some 1,800 miles from New Guinea to Australia. Tour guides regularly take visitors to view the reef.

On one tour, a traveler asked the guide an interesting question."I noticed that the lagoon side of the reef looks pale and lifeless, while the ocean side is vibrant and colorful," the traveler observed. "Why is this?"

The guide gave an interesting answer:"The coral around the lagoon side is in still water with no challenge for its survival. It dies early. The coral on the ocean side is constantly being tested by wind, waves, and storms -- surges of power. It has to fight for survival every day of its life.As it is challenged and tested, it changes and adapts. It grows healthy. It grows strong. And it reproduces."

Then he added this telling note: "That's the way it is with every living organism."

That's how it is with people. Challenged and tested, we come alive! Like coral pounded by the sea, we grow. Physical demands can cause us to grow stronger. Mental and emotional stress can produce tough-mindedness and resiliency. Spiritual testing can produce strength of character and faithfulness . So, you have problems? No problem! Just tell yourself, "There I grow again!".

Remember, A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner- English Proverb.

Motherboard

The motherboard is the heart of the computer, every part of the computer relies on the motherboard to function correctly.

It maintains connection between every PC component and ensures that things are operating smoothly between them.

Many signs of motherboard failure is that the computer won't boot up, not reaching the POST test, erratic system behavior, different combinations of components not working. The motherboard is the heart of the computer, every part of the computer relies on the motherboard to function correctly.

It maintains connection between every PC component and ensures that things are operating smoothly between them.

Many signs of motherboard failure is that the computer won't boot up, not reaching the POST test, erratic system behavior, different combinations of components not working.

Because everything is connected to the motherboard certain parts may or may not work correctly if the motherboard is faulty so be sure to test those parts before thinking they're dead and getting new ones.

Be sure to do a visual inspection of the motherboard to make sure all cables are seated properly, the fans are spinning, and that the CMOS battery is in it's proper place.

Also check for any broken or leaking capacitors, those can immediately render a motherboard dead.

Make sure that all of the jumpers are set correctly as well, you should be able to find jumper information in your motherboard's manual, and if you don't have the manual you should be able to find the manual on the Internet at the motherboard manufacturer's website.

Many of the problems caused by a bad motherboard is also similar to problems caused by a faulty or dying power supply, so be sure to check if the power supply is faulty or swap it out for another to see if your problem is fixed.

If you have a spare motherboard you can try swapping out the motherboard to see if that solves your problem, if that's the case then the motherboard is most likely faulty.

If you think the motherboard is faulty and it is still in warranty you should be able to send it back to the manufacturer for a new one with no hassle, sometimes they might even pay for the shipping & handling if it is a big problem that is happening with a certain line of motherboards.

Make sure that when you open a motherboard you keep all of the packaging and the box, and if there are any stickers that will void the warranty if removed make sure you do NOT remove them, so that way it is easier to send back.

Computer maintenance tips

With the amount of information available for download on the Internet, it's easy to quickly fill up your valuable hard drive space and turn your computer into a sluggish, unresponsive monster. Keeping your hard drive clean is essential to the high performance that the latest computers can achieve. Fortunately, it's a simple process; one that can easily be performed on a regular basis and, with some organization, keep your computer running like a well-oiled machine.


You can discover how much hard drive space is available on your computer by accessing the DriveSpace program in your System Tools. A pie graph will show you the amount of used and unused space for each of your drives. Check this often to keep an idea of how much space you are using.

There are six simple steps to clearing up your hard drive:

1. Uninstall unused programs.

Many times a new program will come along that looks fun to have or play with, but after a week or two you simply stop using it. These programs clutter up your drive and take up valuable space. You might be tempted to delete these programs from your drive, but doing so will cause problems. You must use the uninstall function of Windows for the program to be removed safely and completely.

2. Clean out temporary files.

When your computer is not shut down properly, it will pass information from memory into fragmented files. Also, while you are running programs, your computer will write information that it does not immediately need into temporary files. Installation files will also expand themselves into the temporary folder and will not always clean up after themselves. You can delete these temporary files safely by using the Disk Cleanup option in your System Tools.

3. Empty your Internet cache.

As you surf the Internet your computer stores web pages and images into a temporary Internet cache so that it can quickly recall and access information when you move back and forth between pages. This backup information can quickly add up and eat hard drive space.

Whether you use Internet Explorer, Netscape, or one of the many other browsers available, emptying out your cache is quick and easy. Simply follow the instructions in the Help files located within those programs. You may also wish to set a specific maximum file size for your cache folder, so that it is not allowed to run rampant.

4. Empty your mail programs of clutter.

It's easy to browse through your email and leave old messages there, promising yourself you'll sort them out later. One or two messages don't take up much space, but hundreds certainly do. Take the time to sort through these old emails now and delete what is not important. Create folders and organize what is left. Make it a habit that when new emails come in, they are either filed immediately or thrown away. Set your email program to empty your deleted items folder each time you close your mail program.

5. Empty your recycle bin.

Once you've emptied your drive of cluttering, unnecessary programs; empty your recycle bin to remove what has been placed there in the process.

6. Scandisk and Defrag.

When Windows installs programs, it will put the files it needs anywhere that it finds free space, and not directly after the last program installed. As a result, your hard drive has patches of empty space on it that are not big enough to fit a full program, and will result in a drive space error if you attempt to install something new. Scandisk your drive to check for lost file fragments and to fix any errors it finds, then Defrag to pack all of the program files together at the beginning of your drive. This will clear out those empty patches and move all of the free space you've just created to the end of your drive.

Now that you've got it clean, keep it that way. Perform this quick maintenance routine every week. For your work computer, Friday afternoon before you leave for the weekend is the perfect time. When you return to work on Monday, you'll have a computer that is clutter-free and as responsive as it should be.

Organize your surfing habits. Direct all of your downloads to the same folder, so that you can easily find them and delete them when necessary, or move them to zip disks for storage. Keep track of the programs that you install. For trial versions, note the date that they will expire on a calendar. This will remind you to uninstall the programs that you can no longer use rather than allowing them to clutter up your drive. Also, if you run into problems, keeping track of new downloaded and installed programs and the date they were installed can help you track down the cause of problems.

Remember that the cleaner your hard drive is, the better your machine will respond! In order for your computer to be user friendly, it must have a friendly user. Be your computer's best friend and clean out the cobwebs regularly.

Zindagi dene vale marta

Zindagi dene vale marta chod gye,

Apnapan jatane vale tanha chod gye,

Jab padi zarurat hume apne humsafar ki 

Vo jo saath chalne vale apna rasta mod gaye ...

.....................................

Gunah karke saza se darte hain, 

Zahar pee ke dawa se darte hain, 

Dushmano ke sitam ka khauff nahi, 

Hum toh doston ki wafa se darte hain.

.....................................

Koi achhi si saza do mujhko,

Chalo aisa karo bhula do mujhko,

Tumse bichdu to maut aa jaye,

Dil ki gehraiyon se aisi dua do mujh ko.

.....................................

Na puch mere sabar ki inteha kaha tak hai,

Tu sitam kar le teri hasrat jahan tak hai,

Wafa ki umeed jinhe hogi unhe hogi,

Hume to dekhna hai tu bewafa kahan tak hai.

.....................................

300%

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. 

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." 

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

.........................................

 

Husband: Jee karta hai ki tumhari zulfon mein kho jaaon, 

tumhare aankhon mein bas jaaon, 

tumhari bahon mein jhool jaon.

Wife: Neeche kya mohalle wale ghusengey?

.........................................

 

Rosemary divorced Mr.Lele b'coz she was sick of telling her name,"Roz Meri Lele."

Imagine her tough luck, she was re-married to Mr. Marlow

.........................................

 

Unborn twins in the mother's stomach saw a penis.

1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.

2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.

.........................................

Five More Minutes

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. That's my son over there, she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

He's a fine looking boy, the man said. That's my son on the swing in the blue sweater. Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. What do you say we go, Todd

Todd pleaded, Just five more minutes, Dad. Please Just five more minutes. The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart's content.

Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. Time to go now Again Todd pleaded, Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes.

The man smiled and said, O.K.

My, you certainly are a patient father, the woman responded.

The man smiled and then said, My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd. He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is, I get Five more minutes to watch

 

*********

How to break into audit mode during a manual install of Windows Vista.

Audit mode is a mode of Windows Setup that lets you bypass Windows Welcome so you can quickly access the desktop. 

Audit mode is usually entered by running sysprep /audit command or using an answer file setting during unattended installation. 

But if you install Windows Vista manually on a computer, you can also break into audit mode when the Windows Welcome screen appears by pressing CTRL+SHFT+F3. 

This lets you get to the desktop quickly so you can add drivers, install applications, and do other stuff without having to go through all the steps of Windows Welcome.

Funny 10 phone answering mesaages

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

 

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

 

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling..... And I'll think about returning your call.

 

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

 

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

 

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

 

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

 

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

 

2. Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

 

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Confidence & Self Esteem

Confidence and Self-Esteem were best friends. They went everywhere together. If Confidence bought a new dress, Self-Esteem bought one just like it. They were very close.

One day a new kid came to their school. His name was Peer Pressure. He had a friend called Hateful Words. They decided to give Confidence a hard time.

They constantly teased her. They forced her to do terrible things. It was so terrible that Confidence lost Self-Esteem. When Self-Esteem wanted to start some classes, Confidence said they wouldn't be any good.

Then one day, Peer Pressure introduced Confidence to Doubt. He wanted to ruin Confidence, but Peer Pressure said he couldn't yet. Self Esteem couldn't understand what was wrong with Confidence. Confidence now hung around with Depression, Low Self-Esteem, and Overeating.

These girls were friends of Peer Pressure. Self-Esteem no longer had any friends. She no longer felt good about herself. She went to see her Imaam. Imaam Good Words told her how to talk to Confidence. He introduced her to his daughter, Encouragement.

Encouragement and Self-Esteem went to find Confidence. Self Esteem hoped she wasn't too late. The girls found Confidence in a stupor. She was no longer a vibrant, happy young girl. There were dark circles under her eyes. She had gained so much weight from eating that she couldn't move.

Encouragement gasped and Self-Esteem cried. She begged Encouragement to do something.

Encouragement began to hug Confidence. She kissed her and loved her. She told her that she was a beautiful young lady who had a lot going for her.

Encouragement held Confidence so tightly that Self-Esteem thought she would smother her. Confidence began to cry. As she cried, she seemed to lose weight. Then a bright light suddenly glowed from Confidence and she began to smile.

Peer Pressure and his friends didn't like what Encouragement was doing and tried to attack her. They hit at her and pulled at her, but they couldn't pull her away from Confidence. Then Confidence began to speak.

"Get away from me, Peer Pressure. Take your friends and go. You no longer have any power over me." Confidence was now a glowing light. She and her friends made sure that Peer Pressure and his gang never bothered anyone in their town again.

 

***********

If you feel that Encouragement is not your friend, then try to find Encouragement in yourself. Self-Esteem and Confidence will follow.

***********

Fisherman

There is this Fisherman, Let's call him Vishy (rhymes with Fishy).

Vishy goes out fishing each morning, casts his net and gathers his catch and sells them in the market and makes a living out of it.

On one occasion he gets up too early and sleep eludes him. So he decides to go fishing any way it's too dark to go fishing so he strolls by the Bank of the River and waits for the Sun to appear he stumbles upon a sack.

This sack is a bit heavy and there were some pebbles in it Now, when u have a river and a sack of pebbles and a lot of time to kill, the logical thing to do is to throw the pebbles into the river Vishy did just the same He tried all the things we do Throwing it as far as possible, as high as possible, make the pebbles bounce as many times an possible.....

Now with just one stone remaining, the sun rose the stone in his hand began to glow as well damn! The stone was a diamond!!!!

That's when he realized that all those pebbles he had thrown away were actually Precious Stones!!!

Moral is ...

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Don't get up too early in the morning :-)

Modern Panchtantra Story [ IT HUMOR ]

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe),

He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.

Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give

Him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer

Asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

 

Moral : If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Ek ladki thi diwani si

Ek ladki thi diwani si, sunder si lambi si, 

Nazrein jhukake sharmake galion se guzra karti thi 

Latak matak chalti thi, aur kaha karti thi, 

Bartan Lelo Bartan....

..............................................

Vo aaj bhi hume dekh kar muskurate hain 

Vo aaj bhi hume dekh kar muskurate hain 

Yeh to unke bachche hee kaminey hain, 

Jo Mama Mama kehke bulaate hain :)

..............................................

Shaam hote hi ye Dil udaas hota hai

Toote khwaboo ke siwa kuch na pass hota hai

Tumahri yaad aise waqt bohat aati hai

Bandar jab koi aas-paas hota hai..

..............................................

Dekha tujhe to rooh khush ho gayi,

Ek kami thi vo bhi puri ho gayi,

Pagal hain vo log jo kehte hain ki,

Chimpanzi ki aakhri nasal kahin kho gayi!!

..............................................

Avoid Win XP Re-activation

The time may come that you'll need to reinstall your Windows XP. It could happen. Maybe you'll add a new motherboard or hard drive. Maybe you'll get constant errors and problems that just won't go away. Or perhaps you're a neat freak who wants to rid yourself of clutter and start fresh with a clean operating system. If you do reinstall Windows XP, then you'll need to re-activate it too—that is, unless you keep this tip handy ;-)

See, the first time you activated XP it created a file called "wpa.dbl" that lives in the WINDOWS\system32 folder. By creating a backup of this file on disk, you can simply put it back into the folder after reinstalling XP and avoid the whole re-activation hassle. Here's how...

Go to My Computer then select your Hard Drive (usually drive C). Goto the WINDOWS\system32 folder and scroll way down until you find the wpa.dbl file.

Right-click and choose "Send To" then either Floppy Drive (make sure you have a disk in) or CD-R/RW.

Now, when you reinstall Windows XP you'll come to the activation screen—decline to activate and let the install finish.

Restart your computer in Safe Mode (keep hitting F8 at start-up then when the Advanced Boot Options menu appears arrow down to Safe Mode).

Find your way back to the WINDOWS\system32 folder. It's a good idea to rename the wpa.dbl file you're replacing just in case you run into problems, so call it something like "wpa.nothing".

Get the backup disk and copy the old wpa.dbl file back to the WINDOWS\system32 folder and reboot.

There you go—XP is up and running again.

P.S. Your wpa.dbl file might NOT work on another computer.

How to Protect Worksheets in Excel

The best use of the Excel protection system is to prevent a data entry person from accidentally damaging formulas or formatting in your spreadsheet file. Passwords aren't needed for this purpose.

Worksheet protection

There are two different menu locations that together control worksheet protection:

* Format, Cells, Protection, with a check box labeled Locked, to choose which cells the user will be able to modify when the sheet is protected
* Tools, Protection, Protect Sheet to toggle sheet protection on and off In a new blank worksheet all cells are formatted Locked, but worksheet protection is off (Tools menu) so the locked cell formats have no effect. This is the part that confuses some people; it seems to work backwards to expectations, but the way it works actually makes it less work to use, once you get used to it.

Here's what you do: select all the cells you want the user to be able to edit, either one range at a time or all together using the Control key, and go to Format Cells Protection and uncheck Locked. Then you can go to Tools Protection and turn on sheet protection. The user will only be able to type in the cells you formatted unlocked; if they try to change a locked cell, deliberately or by accident, they'll get an error dialog.


Workbook protection

To prevent the user from deleting or inserting worksheet tabs, go to Tools, Protection, Protect Workbook. In both this dialog and the Protect Sheet dialog, most of the time you won't need to change any check box options.

When either sheet or workbook protection is on, the submenu item at Tools Protection (pictured above) will say "Unprotect Sheet" or "Unprotect Workbook" instead of "Protect."

Top 9 Funniest News paper Classifieds

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)


1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

(man....if only I knew A B C....) :d


2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.

(sure...thanx for the warning!) :d


3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

(in months or years?) :d


4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

(check it out) :d


5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

(howwww sweeeet) :d


6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

(wow! A free trip to heaven?) :d


7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

(uh...huh!) :d


8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)


9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

(nice work!) :d

Boys never change

Girls Collage mai Strike ho gai,Sabhi girls Nare Laga rahi hai,
Girls k satth Boys bhi unka satth de rahe hai,
Girls ne Nare lagate huye "HAMARI MANGE....,
Piche se Awaz aye,"SINDUR SE BHARO....".
...............................................

Wife : Ek baat bolu??
Husband : Bolo
Wife : Maaroge to nahi?
Husbund : Nahi to, kya baat hai?
Wife : mai pregnant hun
Husband : Hurray!!! Its gud news, dar kyu rahi thi??
Wife : College ke dino mai papa ko bataya tha to badi maar padi thi.
...............................................

Lalu Goes 2A Shop & Asks:
A Bandarva Ka Photu Kitne Ka He Re?
Shopkepper: Woh Phutwa Nahin Sahib
Wo To Seesa (Mirror) He!
...............................................

Sweetest Proposal by a kg class Boy
Boy:Kya tu mujhse shadi kalegi?
Gal:Nahi
Boy:Kalle na plz
Gal:nahi mai nahi kalungi.......
Boy:kall na didi plzzzzzzzzzz
...............................................

How to start windows programs quickly with Run Command...?

The run option of Start menu is used to run a program or to open a document directly. If you

Do not know the exact location of the program or document then click on Start button to open

Run and type the programs shortcut name to open it directly.

Run Commands

Appwiz.cpl -- Used to run Add/Remove wizard

Calc --Calculator

Cfgwiz32 --ISDN Configuration Wizard

Charmap --Character Map

Chkdisk --Repair damaged files

Cleanmgr --Cleans up hard drives

Clipbrd --Windows Clipboard viewer

Control --Displays Control Panel

Cmd --Opens a new Command Window

Control mouse --Used to control mouse properties

Dcomcnfg --DCOM user security

Debug --Assembly language programming tool

Defrag --Defragmentation tool

Drwatson --Records programs crash & snapshots

Dxdiag --DirectX Diagnostic Utility

Explorer --Windows Explorer

Fontview --Graphical font viewer

Fsmgmt.msc -- Used to open shared folders

Firewall.cpl -- Used to configure windows firewall

Ftp -FTP.exe program

Hostname --Returns Computer's name

Hdwwiz.cpl -- Used to run Add Hardware wizard

Ipconfig --Displays IP configuration for all network adapters

Logoff -- Used to logoff the computer

MMC --Microsoft Management Console

Msconfig --Configuration to edit startup files

Mstsc -- Used to access remote desktop

Mrc -- Malicious Software Removal Tool

Msinfo32 --Microsoft System Information Utility

Nbtstat --Displays stats and current connections using NetBIOS over TCP/IP

Netstat --Displays all active network connections

Nslookup--Returns your local DNS server

Osk ---Used to access on screen keyboard

Perfmon.msc -- Used to configure the performance of Monitor.

Ping --Sends data to a specified host/IP

Powercfg.cpl -- Used to configure power option

Regedit --Registry Editor

Regwiz -- Registration wizard

Sfc /scannow -- System File Checker

Sndrec32 --Sound Recorder

Shutdown -- Used to shutdown the windows

Spider -- Used to open spider solitaire card game

Sfc / scannow -- Used to run system file checker utility.

Sndvol32 --Volume control for soundcard

Sysedit -- Edit system startup files

Taskmgr --Task manager

Telephon.cpl -- Used to configure modem options.

Telnet --Telnet program

Tracert --Traces and displays all paths required to reach an Internet host

Winchat -- Used to chat with Microsoft

Wmplayer -- Used to run Windows Media player

Wab -- Used to open Windows address Book.

WinWord -- Used to open Microsoft word

Winipcfg --Displays IP configuration

Winver -- Used to check Windows Version

Wupdmgr --Takes you to Microsoft Windows Update

Write -- Used to open WordPad

Management Stories

Story 1

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"
Fox: "Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more."
Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"
Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene : Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Moral : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES


Story 2

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox: "That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd !"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

Scene : As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM YOU HAVE AS A SUPERVISOR.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT

God please ! Make me women

A man was sick and tired of goingto work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man'swish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast forhis mate, awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,

Drove them to school, came home andpicked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box andbathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peelingpotatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted

And, though his daily chores weren'tfinished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord,

I don't know what I was thinking. Iwas so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned

Your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months,though. You got pregnant last night."

Appraisal letter : with encryption.....

Dear Manager (HR),

Vimal, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Vimal works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vimal never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Vimal takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Vimal is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vimal can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vimal be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be sent away as soon as possible.

Signed - Project Leader


NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.

***********

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Straight

Just to let you know that I went to heaven and back...

Oh right then!

Straight to the point! I want you right here, right now!
.....................................

Your daddy must be a terrorist.

Because you are....... DA BOMB!
.....................................

What is life ? Life is love.
Whats love ? Love is kissing.
Whats kissing ? Come here and I show you.
.....................................

If I could rearrange the alphabet,

I'd put "U" and "I" together.
.....................................

Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent,
Spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends,
Charming, funny,

Well...Enough about ME!
How about you?
.....................................

The Emperor

An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his children, he decided something different. He called young people in the kingdom together one day. He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you."

The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed today. One very special seed. I want you to plant the seed, water it and come back here after one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next emperor!"

One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story. She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.

Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks went by. Still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a failure. Six months went by, still nothing in Ling's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed.

Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But honest about what happened, Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right.

He took his empty pot to the palace. When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other youths. They were beautiful in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try."

When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "What great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!" All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!"

When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!" Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?

Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds, which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"

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If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory.
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy.
If you plant patience, you will reap improvements.
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles.

But

If you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust.
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness.
If you plant pride, you will reap destruction.
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble.
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation.
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation.
If you plant greed, you will reap loss.
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies.
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles.
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt.

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So be careful what you plant now, It will determine what you will reap tomorrow, The seeds you now scatter, Will make life worse or better, your life or the ones who will come after. Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits, or you will pay for the choices you plant today.

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Laywer's BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door,

Ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,

The lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,

"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gooood....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

A Million Frogs

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs.The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, "There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs--millions of them. They croak all during the night and are about to drive me crazy!"

So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.

The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, "Well...where are all the frogs?" The farmer said, "I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!"

Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also--remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark.

Have you ever lain in your bed at might worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming--like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.