The donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

Ur the 1st thing

Ur the 1st thing that comes 2 my mind.
I wish I could start my day with U in my bed.
I just luv Ur feel to my lips. U just make my day.
I love U
.
.
.
NESCAFE!
...................................................

What is a girl friend ?

Addition of problems, subtraction of money, Multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
...................................................

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
...................................................

A man & wife are in bed.He farts & shouts ''Goal.''

His wife farts & shouts ''One all.''

When the score gets to two all,the man strains so hard he craps the bed.

His wife says ''What the hell was that?''

''Half time - swap sides.''
...................................................

10 Basic Tips For the Internet Explorer (IE)

In order to use the Internet Explorer (IE) effectively, we have some basic tips for you to try… Ok let's go now.

1. To extend the window area of the IE, you can make it easy by pressing the F11 key. Then you press it again in order to return the IE to the normal window.
2. Sometimes you want to search a keyword in a long web page that you are surfing. How do you do ?? Just press Ctrl+F and place the keyword you want.
3. Using Backspace key in your keyboard instead of clicking Back in the IE window.
4. You can close your IE window that you are surfing by Ctrl+W.
5. To see the surfing websites history, Press F4 key to see the URL which you have typed.
6. Press Ctrl+D in order to save the URL which you are surfing. And the URL will be in the Favorites.
7. To send a web page to your friend. Do you know we can send it by email from the IE's tools ? Let you try it, go to File > Send > Page by E-mail...
8. To slide the web page by using the keyboard, try it with the arrow keys. To slide it to the bottom and the top of the web page, try the End and Home key.
9. If you find a picture that you prefer it to be the desktop wallpaper, you can immediately set it, right click on the picture area and select the Set as wallpaper.
10. To slide the web page gradually, you may use the Page up, Page down and Spacebar keys. Try it !

How To Clean A Flat Screen Monitor

Flat screen monitors, also known as LCD monitors, are a little different than their CRT cousins when it comes to cleaning. Your standard CRT monitor has a glass screen and be cleaned in pretty much the same way as you would any other glass in your home or office.

Flat screen monitors, however, require a bit of special care when cleaning. Their displays are much more sensitive and are easily scratched and damaged.

Follow the easy steps below to safely clean your flat screen monitor in just a few minutes.

Here's How:
1. Turn off the monitor. If the screen is dark, it will be easier to see the areas that are dirty or oily.

2. Use a dry, soft cloth and very gently wipe the screen. A great choice would be the microfiber type of cloth used to clean eyeglasses. See Tip #1 below for kinds of cloths to avoid.

3. If the dry cloth did not completely remove the dirt or oil, do not press harder in an attempt to scrub it off. Pushing directly on the LCD screen can often cause pixels to burn out.

4. If necessary, dampen the cloth with distilled water or with an equal ratio of distilled water to white vinegar. See Tip #2 below for products to avoid.

Many companies also sell small spray bottles of special cleaner for flat screen monitors but the vinegar mixture is usually just as effective.

5. The plastic edge that surrounds the screen can be cleaned with any multipurpose cleaner but take care to avoid contact with the screen itself.

Tips:
1. Avoid using paper towels, toilet paper, tissue paper, or something like your shirt to wipe the LCD screen. These non-ultrasoft materials can easily scratch the screen.

2. Avoid cleaning products that contain ammonia, ethyl alcohol, acetone, toluene, ethyl acid, or methyl chloride. These chemicals can react with the materials that the LCD screen is made of which could yellow the screen or cause other kinds of damage.

3. Never spray liquid directly on the LCD screen or it could run inside the monitor and cause damage.

Speed up Firefox without Re-Installation

Problem: You cannot imagine life without Firefox but over time, your favorite browser keeps getting slower and slower.

Not only is it slow, Firefox sometimes hangs for no reason, consumes a large amount of memory and CPU usage can climb to 90% or more when you have multiple tabs open simultaneously.

You have uninstalled most of the extensions and toolbars, deleted all the cookies and Internet temporary files, cleared up the file download queue and disabled the background check for software updates - but none of this has helped you speed-up Firefox.

Solution: This is a common problem especially if you have been running Firefox for some time - I don't know why Firefox slows down but here's a small trick to rejuvenate the aged copy of Firefox without doing a fresh install.

Step 1: Start Firefox and export your bookmarks as a file on your hard-drive (we'll need them later).

Step 2: Type Firefox.exe - P in the Run box of Windows. (see screenshot)

Step 3: Click the Create Profile button without making any modifications to your existing profile (which is normally called "default")

Now when you Start Firefox in the new profile, you are very likely to be impressed with the speed. You can import the bookmarks that you saved in Step 1. If you have made any changes to the Firefox Dictionary, copy the persdict.dat word list file from the old profile folder to the new one.

Yes, there won't be any old Firefox add-ons in the new profile but the browser will be extremely quick and won't hog the CPU - just the way you want Firefox to run on your computer.

And if you ever need to revert to the old profile, just type Firefox -P again and click the old profile. Nothing is lost.

Bless me God

Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addictmy daughter is a call girlmy wife is a gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I'm HIV positive.
............................................

Son kills a butterfly.
Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills a honeybee.
Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills a cockroach.
Son: Dad u tell her or should I?
............................................

Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.
............................................

Lady 2 Maid: Tu saare kaam mein bekaar hai!
Bai: Bister mein to aap se aachi hoon!
Lady: Tujhe saab ne bola kya?
Bai: Nahin driver bol raha tha!
............................................

Funny full forms of Big Companies

1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS :Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings

12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL : Brainwash First and Let them go

17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.

18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India

19. ORACLE : On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.

20. MASTEK: Mad And Stupid Technitians Enroute to Kabaarkhana

21.PATNI : Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments

Funniest Joke

Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.

Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.

Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"

Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

ISHQ or DOSTI

ISHQ or DOSTI meri zindgi ka guman h..
ISHQ meri ruh DOSTI mera iman h..

ISHQ pe kar du fida apni sari ZINDGI..
..Magar DOSTI par mera ISHQ B QURBAAN hai.
.........................................

My maths teacher told me 1'hour=60 mins.
& 1'min=60'secs.

But she never told me that 1'sec.
Without a FRIEND like U is equal to 100'years.
.........................................

How long shall v b friends?
Do u want a clue?

As long as stars twinkle in the sky, till the water runs dry & till the day I die.
We will b friends.
.........................................

A single candle can illuminate an entire room.

A true friend lights up an entire lifetime.

Thanks for the bright lights of ur friendship.
.........................................

Troubleshooting Windows Defender in Vista.

Cannot Update Windows Defender !?

If you ever encounter an error code (e.g. "error code 0x80240029 - cannot update" which btw is the most common one), when updating Defender, here is a solution which will help you. This usually happens if the distribution database is broken and needs to be re-created.

Here are the solutions to address the issue :
1) As far as Vista goes (don't know if this applies to XP) you can do this by clicking start > all programs > windows updates> change settings > uncheck Automatic Updates, Uncheck Recommended Updates and uncheck use Microsoft Update Service. This will switch from Microsoft Update back to using Windows Update.
Reboot. If it works for you fine; you can now reset the update settings to as they were earlier.

2) I also came across this download from Microsoft (Vista/XP). This actually FORCES defender to update !

3) To manually update Windows Defender visit Microsofts Malware Protection Center for instructions.

4) Lastly if none work, there is another way you can try this:

Boot into safe mode. Find the folder named Software Distribution.

Rename SoftwareDistribution to SoftwareDistribution.old OR Delete all its contents (FLUSH it !) Reboot. Now try to update the Defender (at this point a new SoftwareDistribution folder will be created if you have renamed it).

Additional help can always be found at Microsofts Windows Defender HelpGroup .

Via: winvistaclub

Dear Dad , .....

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.


At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:


PS:

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.


I love you!

Your loving daughter,
Rosie

Different types of Man

Men are of different types

Some Examples -

INTERNET man - Man of difficult access

SERVER man - Always busy when you need him

WINDOWS man - Everyone knows that he can't do a thing right, but no one can live without him

EXCEL man - They say he can do a lot of things, but you mostly use him to achieve your basic requirements

D.O.S. Man - Everyone had him, but no one wants him any more

VIRUS man - Also known as spouse, when you are not expecting him, he comes , install himself and uses all your resources, if you try to uninstall him you will lose something, if you don't uninstall him you will lose everything.

SCREENSAVER man - he is not worth for anything, but at least he is fun

RAM man - he forgets everything you say when you disconnect him

HARD DISK man - he remembers everything forever

MULTIMEDIA man - he makes horrible things look beautiful

USER man - he messes up everything he does and he ask always more than he needs

CD-ROM man - he is always faster and faster

Koi hai

Aankhon ki zubhan wo samajh nahi pate,
Hoth magar kuch keh nahi pate,

Apni bebasi kis tarah kahe,
Koi hai jiske bina hum reh nahi pate
.............................................

Main deewaani hun tere naam ki is baat se inkar nahi,
Kaise kahe ki hame aapse pyar nahi,

Kuch to kasoor hai aapki nazro ka,
Hum akele to gunhegar nahi.
.............................................

Palbhar mein tut jaye who kassam nahi,
Dosti mein bhool jaye woh hum nahi,

Tum bewafa bano is baat mein dum nahi,
Kyuki hamari wafa bhi kuch kum nahi
.............................................

Uthi to duaa ban gayi, jhuki to hayaa ban gayi,
Jo jhuk kar uthi to khata ban gayi, or uth kar jhuki to adaa ban gayi
.............................................

Disable "Low Disk Space" Notification in Wondows XP

Open regedit & follow the steps below:

1. Navigate to HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\
Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\Explorer

2. On the Edit menu, click New, click DWORD value .

3. Name the new DWORD Value as NoLowDiskSpaceChecks

4. Right click the new DWORD Value and Modify the data value to 1.

5. Exit the registry editor and restart your computer.

How to access FTP servers without any software

FTP is used for transfer of large files. Bloggers and webmasters use FTP frequently for uploading files to their server space all the time.

FTP transfers usually involve some software installed on the computer. The method usually involves connecting to a particular host server URl, and entering the username and password for access. FTP transfers may be primitive (they do not have much security), but they are still widely used.

Imagine yourselves in this situation : you are at a friend's house or a browsing cafe, and need to access your server immediately (perhaps for uploading WP-Cache during a spike, for example). Do you wait until the download of FTP software is complete? That is a complete waste of time.

There is an easier way to access FTP servers - without any third-party software. All that you require is the humble Windows Explorer or Internet Explorer (either of them can be used). To access any FTP server, enter the following (replace server with the domain/subdomain):

FTP://FTP.server.com

Once you enter this, a dialog box will come up, and you can fill out the user name and password and click Log On.

If you're still not convinved of using this method, try out FileZilla , a free, open-source software.

Bhagwad geeta

An old Farmer lived on a farm in the mountains with his young grandson.

Each morning Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading his Bhagavat Geeta. His grandson wanted to be just like him and tried to imitate him in every way he could.

One day the grandson asked, "Grandpa! I try to read the Bhagavat Geeta just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Bhagavat Geeta do?"


The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and replied, "Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water."

The boy did as he was told, but all the water leaked out before he got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, "You'll have to move a little faster next time," and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again.

This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, "I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You're just not trying hard enough," and he went out the door to watch the boy try again.

At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he got back to the house.

The boy again dipped the basket into river and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said, "See Grandpa, it's useless!"

"So you think it is useless?" The old man said, "Look at the basket."

The boy looked at the basket and for the first time realized that the basket was different. It had been transformed from a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out.

"Son, that's what happens when you read the Bhagavat Geeta. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside and out. That is the work of Krishna in our lives."

dilwalo ki duniya

Sabhi ko sabhi kuch nahi milta..
nadi ki har lehar ko sahil nahi milta,

yeh dilwalo ki duniya hai ajeeb,
kisi se dil nahi milta to koi dilse nahi milta...
..................................................

Aapko bhool jaun, umar gujarne ki baat hai,
aapko nahi yakin ye aur baat hai ,

jabtak rahegi saans tab tak rahoge yaad,
ye saans tut jaye to aur baat hai.
..................................................

Jaane kya Mujhse zamana chahta hai ,
mere dil tod kar mujhe hasana chahta hai ,

jaane kya baat jhalakti he mere chehre se,
har saks mujhe aazmana chahta hai.
..................................................

Zindagi bhaut kuch sikhati hai ,
kabhi hasati he..kabhi rulati hai ,

kudh se jayada kisipe bharosa maat karna ,
andhere me to parchai bhi saath chor jati hai..
..................................................

TOP 10 WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS

1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says, "Have a nice day," say you have other plans.

5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

7. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.

8. Dance naked in front of your pets.

9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing were wrong.

10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.

God is watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of an elementary school for lunch.
At a table was a large pile of apples.

A teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"
...............................................

Sam and David were sharing their childhood memories.
Sam says: Once when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and I fell down on the earth unconsciously.

David: Oh my God! Did you survive that accident or you died.
Sam: I don't remember exactly because I was only 4 yeas old at that time.
...............................................

Wife: Oh dear when you remove your specks you look like the same cute boy whom I married 20 years back.

Husband: Yes dear, when I remove my specks and look at you, you also look like the same charming girl whom I married 20 years back.
...............................................

The Lagoon

May be you have heared about the Great Barrier Reef, stretching some 1,800 miles from New Guinea to Australia. Tour guides regularly take visitors to view the reef.

On one tour, a traveler asked the guide an interesting question."I noticed that the lagoon side of the reef looks pale and lifeless, while the ocean side is vibrant and colorful," the traveler observed. "Why is this?"

The guide gave an interesting answer:"The coral around the lagoon side is in still water with no challenge for its survival. It dies early. The coral on the ocean side is constantly being tested by wind, waves, and storms -- surges of power. It has to fight for survival every day of its life.As it is challenged and tested, it changes and adapts. It grows healthy. It grows strong. And it reproduces."

Then he added this telling note: "That's the way it is with every living organism."

That's how it is with people. Challenged and tested, we come alive! Like coral pounded by the sea, we grow. Physical demands can cause us to grow stronger. Mental and emotional stress can produce tough-mindedness and resiliency. Spiritual testing can produce strength of character and faithfulness . So, you have problems? No problem! Just tell yourself, "There I grow again!".

Remember, A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner- English Proverb.