P'njaab Airways

P'njaab Airways : IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. P'rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri Akal.

On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh "Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaab Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.

We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d'rectly in your v'llage.

P'njaab Airways has exc'llant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained tarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation.

For the rest 10%, the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If engines are too noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.

For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.

We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.

But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened

For your viewing convenience. For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.

If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent'tainment. Our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.

There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.

Please do read the 'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. It is not a hand fan.

The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.

Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced and you will be tied to the floor during take off and landing.

Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts. Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when plane is taking off.

We are about to take-off. We wish you a pleasant flight. For air sikness problems we have echo friendly jute bags in the sit pokets

Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways

5 - MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSONS

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story

BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of this story

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Subh ka har pal

Subh ka har pal Zindagi de aapko,
Din ka har Lamha Khushi de aapko,
Jahan gum ki hawa chu ke bhi na gujare,
Khuda woh Jannat si Zamin de Aapko.

Guds Mrng
......................................

You r my sweet SONA,
I don't want u KHONA,
I want a place in your heart's KONA,
Otherwise i will start RONA,
Atleast Good Morning to kar LONA
......................................

Suraj ki pahli kiran
Khushi de apko,
Dusri kiran hasi de
Tisri tandurasti
Chouthi kamyabi
Bas kafi ho gaya.
Ab garmi lagegi?!!
..Gud mrng
......................................

Morning is God's way of saying:
"One more time! Live life.
Make a difference.
Touch 1 heart.
Encourage 1 mind.
Inspire 1 soul..."
Gud Morg...
......................................

Newton in Romantic Mood......

Universal law of Love:

" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "


First law of Love:

" a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. "


Second law of Love:

" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. "


Third law of Love:

" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."

Come Home Early

Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"

Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"

Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour"

Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"

Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"

Daddy: "I make Rs. 500 an hour"

"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down.

Looking up, he said, "Dad, may I please borrow Rs. 300?"

The father was furious,"if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior"

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions.

How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:

"May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs. 300 and he really didn't ask for money very often!"

The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.300 you asked for"

The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes.

The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father.

"Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

"Daddy I have Rs. 500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?

Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you"

MORAL OF THE STORY

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.
We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.
But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family....

INTERESTING DEFINITIONS

School:

A place where Papa Pays and Son Plays.


Life Insurance:

A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.


Nurse:

A person who works up to give you sleeping pills.


Love Affairs:

Something like the game of Cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test match.


Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.


Divorce:

Future tense of Marriage.


Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.


Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"


Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Dictionary:

A place where success comes before work.


Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.


Classic:

Books, which people praise, but do not read.


Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Etc.:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.


Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.


Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.


Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.


Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.


Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.


Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.


Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."


Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.


Father:

A banker provided by nature.


Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.


Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.


Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.


Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

requirements for any job...

in order to get a joba man rerequires 100% talent...

where as

a female requires only 4% talent..

remainig is ..

\3/\6/
)24(
(3|6)
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On the first night of honeymoon the wife crazyhusband says"My sweet darlingI am going to take you to moon tonight."

The impatient wife says"Surebut first at least let's see the rocket to get there."
.................................................

Sex is like Pizza

When its hot ym.. it's VERY GOOD.

But then when it's cold its still goo....d.
.................................................

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.

The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !
.................................................

Story time kids...

Once up on a time there was a small town in a beautiful country called India.

In that town there were these two kids named AN and AS. Both were known in their community for their intelligence and good Behaviour.

But there is a dark secret. Both had a peculiar and weird problem, one among them (AN) used to mingle with all other members of the community but still would feel "Alone in my own world".

The other (AS) almost lived in his own world and always think about things that are not happening in his life. These two felt it is biggest problem anyone can have in this world. One day both these met in school and discussed their problems and felt its time for them to find the solution.

They heard their friends discussing about a fairy in near by jungle who is kind to people and fulfils the wishes of good people.

Once their exams were over they went to jungle to look for the fairy. After roaming around for a few hours they found fairy. Fairy had a look at these boys and asked them what they were doing in the jungle.

AN said "O my kind fairy! Please hear my problem which is the most gruesome trouble in this whole world. I'm a loner and always feel that I have nobody who can care about me. I always feel I have less money (and this boy has hugeeeeeeeee property, mobiles which he changes 4 tiems a year, a bike and a car) .Please help me "

Fairy patiently listened to him. And then it was AS's turn. He starts " O dear fairy! Don't listen to AN. I'm sure you would feel my problem is the worst in the world when you hear mine. I'm fed up and have no time to look around other beautiful things in the world. I'm the only person who seems to be working and have no one to say hi or talk to me lovingly and also nobody has time to talk to me. Also I'm carzy for bikes and always confused on what to buy. Please help me".

Fairy clearly knew these kids need good counselling and starts telling them to spend some time with their family n friends in community.

We know kids right ? They never listen. And they thought this fairy is not sounding right and termed her too as a kid. That's it Fairy got soooo angry that she cursed both of them that they would always remain kids their whole life. And even after 15-20 years AS and AN remained kids forever.

6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years

Read and enjoy ....

6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years . . .


Dating process:

6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?


Back from Work:

6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??


Gifts:

6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.


Phone Ringing:

6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.


Cooking:

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!


Apology:

6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??


New Dress:

6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?


Planning for Vacations:

6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to India on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???


TV:

6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself . . .

Ishq sabhiko

Ishq sabhiko jina sikha deta hai,
Wafa ke naam par marna sikha deta hai.

Ishq nahi kiya to karke dekho,
Jalim har dard sehna sikha deta hai
...................................................

Pathar pani main na pheko
Usse koi aur bi pita hai,

Zindagi jeeni hai to has kar jiyo
Tume dekh kar koi aur bi jeeta hai
...................................................

Dil Ki Aawaj Ko Izhar Kahate Hai,
Jhuki Nigaho Ko Ekrar Kahte Hai,

Sirf ''Jatane'' Ka Nam Ishq Nahi,
Kisi Ki Yaado Me Jeene Ko Bhi Pyar Kahate Hai.
...................................................

Yaadon ka ye silsila banaya rakhna,
Dost kaha hai to dosti banaye rakhna,

Jaan to nahi magenge aapse,
Gujarish hai jaan pehechan banaye rakhna.
...................................................

Pearls

Jenny was a bright-eyed, pretty five-year-old girl.

One day when she and her mother were checking out at the grocery store, Jenny saw a plastic pearl necklace priced at $2.50. How she wanted that necklace and when she asked her mother if she would buy it for her, her mother said, "Well, it is a pretty necklace, but it costs an awful lot of money. I'll tell you what. I'll buy you the necklace, and when we get home we can make up a list of chores that you can do to pay for the necklace. And don't forget that for your birthday Grandma just might give you a whole dollar bill, too. Okay?"

Jenny agreed, and her mother bought the pearl necklace for her. Jenny worked on her chores very hard every day, and sure enough, her Grandma gave her a brand new dollar bill for her birthday. Soon Jenny had paid off the pearls.

How Jenny loved those pearls. She wore them everywhere to kindergarten, bed, and when she went out with her mother to run errands. The only time she didn't wear them was in the shower - her mother had told her that they would turn her neck green. Now Jenny had a very loving daddy. When Jenny went to bed, he would get up from his favorite chair every night and read Jenny her favorite story. One night when he finished the story, he said, "Jenny, do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you," the little girl said.

"Well, then, give me your pearls."

"Oh! Daddy, not my pearls!" Jenny said. "But you can have Rosie, my favorite doll. Remember her? You gave her to me last year for my birthday. And you can have her tea party outfit, too. Okay?"

"Oh no, darling, that's okay." Her father brushed her cheek with a kiss. "Good night, little one."

A week later, her father once again asked Jenny after her story, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you."

"Well, then, give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls! But you can have Ribbons, my toy horse. Do you remember her? She's my favorite. Her hair is so soft, and you can play with it and braid it and everything. You can have Ribbons if you want her, Daddy," the little girl said to her father.

"No, that's okay," her father said and brushed her cheek again with a kiss. "God bless you, little one. Sweet dreams."

Several days later, when Jenny's father came in to read her a story, Jenny was sitting on her bed and her lip was trembling. "Here, Daddy," she said, and held out her hand. She opened it and her beloved pearl necklace was inside. She let it slip into her father's hand. With one hand her father held the plastic pearls and with the other he pulled out of his pocket a blue velvet box.

Inside of the box were real, genuine, beautiful pearls.

He had them all along. He was waiting for Jenny to give up the cheap stuff so he could give her the real thing. So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure. Isn't God good?

Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of?

Are you holding onto harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have become so attached to that it seems impossible to let go?

Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing.................


God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

Beer

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then one fine day I caught her spending 65$ on makeup.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think shes coming back.

If ever in your life

If ever in your life U R very sad & lonely
& feel that U have lost every thing,
I will come, Hold your hand,
Take U 4 Walk on a Bridge & Show U where 2 jump From
......................................................

Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds …

Open ur eyes!

Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 secs in thinking of a fool
......................................................

When are you going to marry me?
I can't live without you.
I love you dear, marry me within this month otherwise i will die.
See, how Aishwarya Rai messaged me! Silly girl..
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A gift to girl friend that half comes backs to you?
?
?
Think
?
?
?
?
LIPSTICK
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Change our vision

There was a millionaire who was bothered by severe eye pain. He consulted so many physicians and was getting his treatment done. He did not stop consulting galaxy of medical experts; he consumed heavy loads of drugs and underwent hundreds of injections.

But the ache persisted with great vigour than before. At last a monk who has supposed to be an expert in treating such patients was called for by the millionaire. The monk understood his problem and said that for sometime he should concentrate only on green colours and not to fall his eyes on any other colours.

The millionaire got together a group of painters and purchased barrels of green color and directed that every object his eye was likely to fall to be painted in green colour just as the monk had directed.

When the monk came to visit him after few days, the millionaire's servants ran with buckets of green paints and poured on him since he was in red dress, lest their master not see any other colour and his eye ache would come back.

Hearing this monk laughed said "If only you had purchased a pair of green spectacles, worth just a few rupees, you could have saved these walls and trees and pots and all other articles and also could have saved a large share of his fortune.

You cannot paint the world green." Let us change our vision and the world will appear accordingly. It is foolish to shape the world, let us shape ourselves first.


Lets change our vision..!!

Think simple,Live simple..

I always thought

I always thought loving someone is the greatest feeling,
But I realized that loving a friend is even better.
We lose people we love, but v never lose true friends.
......................................

Thank you for touching my life in ways u may never know.
My riches do not lie in material wealth but in having friends like u -
A precious gift from God!
......................................

Do u ever recall the first day we met?
R first hello?
The day we became friends?
Well, I do and I will always remember.
For that very day, I knew I'd cherish u.
......................................

50 years from now, I'd be so old I might forget u.
I might not remember ever knowing u, or might forget I once cared for u.
I might.. But I won't.
......................................

Will Power

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation.

Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.

I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

"For Heaven's sake, Dad,don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4a.m.

The next morning,

A dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and a sked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from here."

Moral Of the Story

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD,

IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT.

IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS.

Har raat

Tum har raat mere khwabon mein aao,
Tum har raat mujhe yuunhi satao,
.
.
.
Melody khao khud jaan jao........
............................

Aaj aasmaan mein taare aise chamak rahe hain
Aaj aasmaan mein taare aise chamak rahe hain....
.
.
.
JAISE KAL CHAMAK RAHE THE !!!
............................

College ki gali me ajeeb khel hota hai,
Classke bahane diloka mel hota hai,

Notes ki jagah love mail hota hai,
Isliye to pappu har sal fail hota Hai..
............................

1 bar exam me question tha.`challenge kise kahte hai?

Sardar ne sare page chhodkar last page par likha:

Apne bap ki aulad hai to paas kar ke dikha.
............................

ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTION

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."


Moral of the story is... The reply you get depends on the question you ask.


For example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project don't ask for the holiday;

Ask: "Can I keep working on this project while I'm on vacation?"

12 Ways to Get Rid of a Telemarketer

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch.

When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever.

See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."

When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.

Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."

Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.

If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).

If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Meaning of Darling

D- Dear
A- Always
R- Remember
L- Love
I- Is
N- Not
G- Game
.........................................................

Wot letters r missin in H__RT?
EA or U?
Pick EA & u get a heart! If u pick U,
U will get hurt!
I'd pick U coz
it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!
.........................................................

1000 words 1 cud say.
1000 wishes 1 cud pray.
1000 miles legs cud walk.
1000 sounds a mouth cud talk.
1000 times ill b true.
1000 ways 2 say i luv u!
.........................................................

8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning... I love you
.........................................................

KINDNESS PAYS !

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied "Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness." He said... "Then I thank you from my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt; stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor's gown he we nt in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room.

She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught; her attention on the side as She read these words.....

"Paid in full with one glass of milk." (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

Pressure

Don't be afraid of pressure.
Remember that pressure is what turns a lump of coal into a diamond.
...................................................

Falling down doesn't make you a failure, but staying down does.
...................................................

Although the tongue weighs very little,
Very few people are able to hold it.
...................................................

A person's true character is revealed by what he does when no one is watching.
...................................................

Some people complain that there are thorns on roses,
While others praise thorns for having roses among them.
...................................................

Love Marriage v/s Arranged Marriage

Love Marriage


Resembles procedural programming language.

We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on

Phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.

It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain.

Family system hangs because hardware (called parents) is not responding.

You are the project leader so you are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- Married Life.

Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc.

Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy.

Love Marriage is like Windows, beautiful n seductive.... Yet one never knows when it will crash....


Arranged Marriage


Similar to object oriented programming approach.

We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her.

The functions are added to supplement the main program.

The functions can be added or deleted.

Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible

Compatible with hardware (Parents).

You are a team member under project leader (parents) so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life.

All these features are covered in the SRS as required features.

Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back!

Arranged Marriage is like Unix... Boring n colorless... Still extremely reliable n robust.

Internet Parking Notice

*INTERNET PARKING NOTICE*

Offender : You!

Date: Today

Time: 3:00 a.m.

Offence : in front of the computer TOO LONG!

Details of Offence : During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!

You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet. Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair.

The timer starts NOW!

Get off your butt - you'll thank us for it later. * * *

Ishq sabhiko

Ishq sabhiko jina sikha deta hai,
Wafa ke naam par marna sikha deta hai.

Ishq nahi kiya to karke dekho,
Jalim har dard sehna sikha deta hai
..................................

Uski doli ke bhi 4 kinare honge,
Meri arthi ke bhi 4 kinare honge,

Phool us par bhi barsenge,
Phool mujh par bhi barsenge,

Log uske liye bhi royenge,
Log mere liye bhi royenge,

Bus fark itne hoga...
Uska kisi ko intzar hoga...
Aur hamara antim sanskar hoga....
..................................

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU HAVE STOP LOVING SOME ONE

NOT BECAUSE YOU STARTING HATING THEM,

BUT BECAUSE YOU REALISED THAT THEY WOULD BE MUCH HAPPIER

IF YOU LET THEM GO.
..................................

Aye mohabbat tere anjaam pe rona aaya
Jaane kyon aaj tere naam pe rona aaya

Yun to har sham umedon mein guzar jaati hai
Aaj kuch baat hai jo is sham pe rona aaya

FRESH FISH

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish.

But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades.

So to feed the Japanese population,

Fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever.

The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste.

To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats.

They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer.

However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish.

The frozen fish brought a lower price. So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin.

After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving.

They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference.

Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste.

The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.

So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? If you were consulting the fish industry, what

Would you recommend?

Scroll down for answer :

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Here is How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh:

To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks.

But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state. The fish are challenged.

Have you realized that some of us are also living in a pond but most of the time tired & dull,

So we need a Shark in our life to keep us awake and moving?

Basically in our lives Sharks are new challenges to keep us active and lively.....

The Split Milk

This is a story about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs. He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor—a veritable sea of milk!

When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, "Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?"

Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, "You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a sponge, a towel, or a mop. Which do you prefer?" He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.

His mother then said, "You know, what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it." The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it. What a wonderful lesson!

This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about. Even if the experiment "doesn't work," we usually learn something valuable from it.

Dard Mein Koi Mausam Pyaraa Nahin Hota

Dard me koi mausam pyaara nahi hota,
Dil ho pyasa to pani se guzara nahi hota,
Koi dekhe to hamari bebassi,
Hum sab ke ho jate par koi hamara nahi hota

Is do pal ki zindagi mein tanhai kyu hai ?
Logon ko humse ruswai kyu hai ?
Is duniya mein insane kam to nahin…..
Phir mere saath sirf meri parchai kyu hai…

zakhm dene ka aandaz kuch aisa hai,
zakhm dekar puchte hai ab haal kaisa hai,
Zeher dekar kehte hai peena hi hoga,
jab pi gaye zeher to kehte hai ab jeena hi hoga.

Kash wo pal sang bitaye na hote,
Jinko yaad kar aaj yeh aansu aaye na hote,
Khuda ne agar is tareh door le jana hi tha,
To itni gehrayi se dil milaye na hote…

Kis qadar mujhko satatey ho tum
bhool janey per bhi yaad aatey ho tum
sarad raton key sanatton mein
merey dil ko bohat rulatey ho tum
kabhi kabhi to mehsoos hota hai mujhey
mera naam bar bar duhratey ho tum
baraha tum ko bhoolne chaha mainey
phir bhi har bar yaad aatey ho tum
jab bhi khuda sey kuch manga mainey
merey dil ki dua ban jatey ho tum
yaad meri tum ko zaroor aati ho gi
kyun ker dil ko behlatey ho tum …

YOU ARE OLD WHEN

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes.

kuchh beete hue lamho

kuchh beete hue lamho se mulakat hui
kuchh tute hue sapno se baat hui
yaad jo karne baithe un tamam yado ko
to apki hi yaado se shuruat hui
...................................................

Wo yaro ki mehfil, wo muskurate pal,
Dil se juda hai apna bita hua Kal,
Kabhi jindagi guzjarti thi Waqt bitane me,
Aaj waqt guzar jata hai chand kagaj ke note kamane me..
...................................................

Dua karte hai hum sar jhuka kar a dost tu manjil ko paye
kabhi teri raho me andhera aaye to roshni ke liye khuda hame jalaye
...................................................

Khushnaseeb hai aap, jo hum aapki dosti ko itna sidat se chahate hai,
Varna hum vo sakhs hai, jo khwabo me bhi appointment se aate hai...

The Silversmith Story

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.


Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.

And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once."

Largest retailer

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

<>HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
................................................

Flowers die..........,
Stories end......... .,

Songs fade........ ..,
Memories are forgotten... .,

All things come to an end,
But people like you,

Always remain forever,
B'cozzzzzzzzzzzz..... ...

:

:

:

:

:

:

:

GHOSTs NEVER DIE......!!! !

Hahaha!!!!!!!!!!!
................................................

Sardar ji says I love u to his girl friend and suddenly falls on the floor.

Girl Friend: What is this?

Sardarji: O ji, I'm falling in love!
................................................

Sardar was writing something very slowly.

Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?

Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast

Cash Withdrawal from ATM

How a BOY withdraws cash from an ATM.


1. Park the car

2. Go to ATM Machine

3. Insert card

4. Enter PIN

5. Take money out

6. Take ATM Card out

7. Drive away


How a GIRL withdraws cash from an ATM


1. Park the car

2. Check makeup

3. Turn off engine

4. Check makeup

5. Go to ATM

6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse

7. Insert card

8. Hit Cancel

9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it

10. Insert card

11. Enter PIN

12. Take cash

13. Go to car

14. Check makeup

15. Start car

16. Stop car

17. Run back to ATM

18. Take ATM card

19. Back to car

20. Check makeup

21. Start car

22. Check makeup

23. Drive for 1/2 mile

24. Release handbrake

25. Drive on.

TWO Frogs

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.

He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?"

The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words...

It is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way.

Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

Yahan to gham bhi

Dar dar bhatakte hai arman ki tarha,
Har koi milta hai anjaan ki tarha,
Iss duniya se khushi ki aas kya rakhna,
Yahan to gham bhi dete hai ehsaan ki tarha,
.....................................

Us ko mera halka sa ehsaas to hai
Be-dard sahi woh meri humraaz to hai

Woh aaye na aaye mere paas lekin
Shiddat se mujhe uska intezar to hai

Abhi nahi to kya hua mil hi jaayegi kabhi
Mere dil mein us se milan ki aas to hai

Pyaar ki gawahi mere aansuon se na maang
Barasti nahi aankhen magar dil udaas to hai…
.....................................

Kisi dard ko sambhal pana asan nhi ,
Haste hue har pal bitana asan nahi ,

Zindagi mein har koi dil mein bas nahi pata ,
Aur us base hue 1 ko bhul pana asan nahi.
.....................................

Bahut udas hai koi tere jane se.
Ho sake to laut aa kisi bahane se.
Tu lakh khafa sahi magar ek baar to dekh ,
Koi toot gaya hai TERE rooth jane se...

How to Spot an Indian.......

* Everything you eat is savoured with garlic, onions and chillies.

* You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil.

* You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport.

* You arrive one or two hours late to a party, and think it's normal.

* You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.

* Your toilet has a plastic bowl next to the commode.

* All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.

* You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

* You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

* You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch .

* You live with your parents even if you are 40 years old. (And they like it that way).

* If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel it's your duty to spread the word.

* You only make long distance calls after 11pm.

* If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

* When your parents meet Indian for the first time and talk for a few minutes, you soon discover they are your relatives.

* Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs while talking.

* You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.

* It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.

* You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.

* You're alw ays interested to know/interfere in others' personal matters, what they are doing, where they are going, etc.

* You have really enjoyed reading this mail because you know some, or most of them, applies to you!

Magical frog

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make Your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, -she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,

"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, -she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

Shocking Telegrams

TELEGRAM 1

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as:

"father, your daughter has been successful in BED."


TELEGRAM 2

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."


TELEGRAM 3

A wife with near maturing pregnan! Cy goes to railway station to return to her husband.

At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.

Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."


TELEGRAM 4

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "! You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".


TELEGRAM 5

A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi .

When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer.

He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted.

It was written:

'Sethji aaj mar ! Gaye! (Sethji Ajmer gaye )

Kiss kisi ki

Kiss kisi ki mahphil me,
Kiss kisi ne kiss kiss ko kiss kiya.
Ek hum they jisne her miss ko kiss kiya,
Aur ek aap they jisne har kiss ko miss kiya.
....................................

Ur the 1st thing that comes 2 my mind.
I wish I could start my day with U in my bed.

I just luv Ur feel to my lips. U just make my day.
I love U NESCAFE!
....................................

Kiss is not like Nokia...Connecting People
Kiss is not like Nike.. Just Do It.
Kiss is not like Pepsi.. Yeh Dil Maange More

But Kiss is like Pan Parag.. Ek Se Mera Kya Hoga
....................................

Main tod leta agar tu GULAB hoti,
Main jawab banta agar tu SAWAL hoti,

Sab jante hai main nasha nahi karta
Phir bhi pi leta agar tu SHARAB hoti

Modern Panchtantra Story

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe),

He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.

Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give

Him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer

Asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

Moral :If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
---------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

He will give you the licen.


For instruktions, see bottom applikason.


1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)


2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)


3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ (Laloo) _____ (Rabri)


5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right


6.Occupason:

(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)

Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)


7. Number of children libing in the household: ___


8. Read #7 agan & anser here: ___


9. Mather name: _______________________


10. Phather Name: ____________________ (don't leave blank)


11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 .............. (Circle highest grade completed)


12. Dental rekard:


(_) Ellow (_) Berownish- ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)


14. Ice seight:

(_) One Ice(2x1) (_) Two Ice(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_)
Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6


15.Your thumb imparesson :

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)


PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

No matter

No matter how high the sky is,
How deep the ocean is,
How strong the wind is,
How wide the river is,

I just want to tell YOU….

They're none of YOUR BUSINESS
....................................

Andhe ke hath me "TORCH",
Bahare ke hath me "RADIO",

Gunge ke hath me "MIKE",
AUR AAP KE HATH ME "MOBILE"

WAH WAH Kya Jamana Aaya hai!!!
....................................

Aap itrate bahut ho
Dil ko behlate bahut ho

Sochte hai aap ko DINNER par le jaaye
Par kya kare ZALIM tum khate bahut ho.
....................................

Amiri ke khwab Dekhne laga,
Angreji Sharab Chakhane laga,

Baap ne kabhi Pager nahi dekha,
Aur beta Mobile rakhne laga!!!
....................................

BOYS - GALS

WOMAN has MAN in it .
SHE has HE in it.
Mrs. Has Mr. In it.
LADY has LAD in it.
MISTERESS has MISTER in it.
MADAM has ADAM in it.
HOSTESS has HOST in it.
FEMALE has MALE in it
......and so on the list is never ending
SO NO need to be proud ....Girls
YOU are always incomplete without Boys....

SULAGTA hua JISM

Yeh tumhara SULAGTA hua JISM ...
KAPKAPATAY HONT....
LARKHARATI AAWAZ...
THARTHARATA BADAN ...
Mujhe pehle se shuq tha ke tumhain
MALARIA HAI.....

Yaad hai hum pehli baar kahan miley they...
Train ruki.......
Khidki khuli.......
Nazron se nazren mili.........
Aur app ne kaha..........
Allah ke naam pe dede BABA:-D

Dia hai upper waley ne mobile
To itnee to kadar kia kero karo
Na karo call per her roz
Do char sms to kia kero

Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!

Love's story

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh....Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love too, but he was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.

Love realizing how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Ek lamhe me unhone

Ek lamhe me unhone hamari jindagi sawar di,
Ek lamhe me unhone hamari jindagi ujaad di,
Kasur unka nahi hamara tha,
Un do lamho me humne sari jindagi gujaar di.

Rah Rah kar teri yaad aaye to kya karun?
Yaad teri dil se na jaye to kya karu?
Sochata hu ki hogi mulakat khwabo me,
Lekin kambakhat nind he naa aaye to kya karu?

Aap paas raho ya dur,
hum dil se dil ki awaj mila sakate hai,
Na sms ke na khat ke mauthaj hai hum,
Per aap ke dil ko ek hichaki se hila sakate hai.

Waqt ki dhup ho ya barish,
kuch kadamo ke nishan kahin nahi hote.
jinhe yad karke khush hoti hai ankhen,
wo log dur hote hue bhi door nahi hote.

A Fascinating Story

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband,dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president of Harvard's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.

They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him.

And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly. "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery". "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue.

We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent.

The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. And Mr. And Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.


"You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them." Malcolm Forbes

Cool meanings

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.


Love affairs:

Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.


Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master


Divorce:

Future tense of marriage


Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.


Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .


Dictionary:

A place where divorce comes before marriage.


Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.


Ecstasy:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.


Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.


Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Etc:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.


Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.


Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.


Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.


Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.


Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.


Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.


Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.


Pessimist:

A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY


Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.


Father:

A banker provided by nature.


Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.


Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.


Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.


Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Unconditional love

Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his 4 year old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the small child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said "This is for you Daddy."

He was embarrassed by his earlier over reaction... He opened the box and his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.

Then he yelled at her:

DON'T YOU KNOW when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside of it???

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,

Oh Daddy it's not empty, I blew kisses into the box, all for you Daddy.

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her for forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold box near his bed for years.

Whenever he was discouraged he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense each of us has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses.

There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts...

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter...........

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."


Moral of the story:-

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

Dil mein tumhari apni.....

Dil mein tumhari apni kami chod jayenge,
Aankhon mein intezar ki lakir chod jayenge,
Yaad rakhna dhundte rahooge humhe,
pyar ki aisi kahani chod jayenge.

Gham ko bechkar khushi khareed lenge,
Khwab bechkar zindagi khareed lenge,
Hoga imtihaan to dekhe gi duniya,
Khud ko bech kar aap ki khushi khareed lenge.

Chidiya ko dekha to mann gud gudaya,
apne azaad hone ka khyal mann ko bhaya,
kyu na mein b par faila kar udd jau kahin door,
fir achanak hi khud ko rishto me bandha hua paya.

Unki yaad aaye toh dil kya kare,
Yaad dil se na jaye toh dil kya kare,
Socha tha sapno me mulaqath hogi magar,
Neend hi na aaye toh dil kya kare.

Lessons in Logic ...

If your father is a poor man,
It is your fate but,
If your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.


I was born intelligent - Education ruined me.


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
So why practice?


If it's true that we are here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?


Since light travels faster than sound,
People appear bright until you hear them speak.


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.


One should love animals.
They are so tasty.


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in Life.


The wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.



Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.


Never put off the work till tomorrow
What you can put off today.


"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep


There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. Why learn.


A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say........

Heart Can Skip

Heart Can Skip Beats 4 a While

Memories can be kept in a file

A desert can replace the Nile

But...

Nothing can stop a smile when ur name appears on my mobile.

My eyes reacted

My mind was attracted,

My heart was affected,

Thousands were rejected,

But u alone were selected !!

Measured by miles you are far from me.

Measured by thoughts you are closer to me.

Measured by closed eyes you are with me.

Measured by Heart you are in me...forever..

Love Humor and Jokes

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.


• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I don't smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.


• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.


• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.


• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.


• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"


• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"

Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.


• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal


• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!